F1 Fanatic

Stalinist Russia had nothing on propaganda, F1-style. F1Fanatic takes an ever-so-slightly cynical look at what those team press releases really mean…

You know the score, halfway through a deathly dull one shot qualifying session, Louise Goodman grabs David Coulthard or Felipe Massa to talk through their heroic drive to 12th on the grid. They will invariably blather on about having made ‘a big step forward in testing’ or that ‘they are confident for their race strategy’.

Autosport and Motorsport News are equally crammed full of similarly meaningless sentiments, designed to baffle fans and appease sponsors. Luckily here at F1Fanatic we have been able to cut through the bull and provide the translation to what they really mean.

“We’ve made a step forward”
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We went ’round Catalunya 0.001a faster last week.

“We’ve made a big step forward”
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As above, except if we run on fumes in qualifying we may leapfrog the Saubers on the grid.

“We’re confident the new aero package will provide a big step forward”
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The car handles like a shopping trolley, but the new wings provide some more sticker space for sponsors.

“I was confident in my strategy so it was disappointing for the race to end like this”
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I crashed at the first corner and it was entirely my fault.

“The balance has been wrong all weekend”
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I crashed and it was all my fault.

“We’re pleased with Juan-Pablo’s/Jacques’ driving”
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P45 is in the post: Pedro de la Rosa, your time has come.

“It was his first test so we weren’t trying for times”
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The driver’s crap.

“He’s improving a lot and we’re confident for the future”
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The driver’s crap, but his Dad has paid us for the rest of the season.

“I’ve decided to step down from the drive to evaluate my options”
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I ran out of money and my budget is now limited to Arrive and Drive karting.

“We’re please with his progress”
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He couldn’t drive when he first got in the car.

“We’ve experienced a few teething problems with the car”
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The engine blew up before it left the pitlane, not that it matters as it was stuck in 1st gear anyway

“We’re confident in our strategy”
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Please let there be a first corner shunt!

“The new regulations are promising”
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We should still be winning.

“The tyre regulations are a danger to the spectators”
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Bridgestone haven’t sorted out the race long compounds .

“It was my fault”
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A rare one this as it is usually true, unless you are driving a Honda, in which case it excuses an engine blow-up.

“It was a tennis accident”
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I (allegedly) shunted my Motocross bike

“I’m confident of reaching a deal with Silverstone to host the British GP”
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… if they pay me enough

“It’s all about improving the show”
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It’s all about ensuring the regulations enhance our chances of victory

“The only reason he’s not driving is because of a recurring injury”
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The only reason he’s not driving is because he hasn’t paid us

“He left the door open and slammed it at the last minute”
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I braked so late it was ridiculous and took out the other guy, even though I stood no chance of passing

“He shouldn’t be allowed to drive like that he’s a menace to other drivers”
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We collided, 100% my fault

“The wind tunnel modelling has been positive”
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Shame it doesn’t work on the track

“I feel that Turkey/ China/ Malaysia/ Bahrain is an exciting new market for Formula One”
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We can put fag branding on the cars here

“Formula One is still a sport”
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It’s all about the money and you’d better believe it

“Vitantonio Liuzzi is a breath of fresh air in the F1 paddock”
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He’s trendier than I am

“We’d really like to sign him for next season”
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I believe he pays for his drive by Direct Debit

“They zigged when they should have zagged”
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If it wasn’t so tragic it would be funny, but that’s what happens when you have 40 year-old businessman as your test driver

“The set-up has been wrong all weekend”
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I’ve been driving like a muppet

“The set-up is better suited to slower parts of the track”
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Our works engines are painfully slow, but we can’t slag them off or its customer Cosworths for us next year

“We lost”
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I lost but I’ll blame the team

“I won”
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I won, I’m wonderful and have a selective memory