The Ben Evans Column: Christmas Cheer

Christijan Albers, MidlandF1-Toyota, Barcelona, 2006Many of you will have read our recent guide to festive presents for the Formula One fan.

Sadly your typical catalogue of F1 presents consists of either rushed biographies of drivers who have retired, or season reviews the remind how many hours in front of the TV over the past year could have been condensed to three hours’ viewing.

What the F1 Christmas market desperately lacks is a Christmas-themed F1 song??????

Obviously no sane human being would want their Minichamps Ferrari 248 model sullied by a Santa Claus in the driving seat.

No, what I’m talking about (and am starting the campaign for right now) is an F1 charity Christmas record.

In a world where the X Factor monopolises the Christmas number one, we the F1 fans should fight back and demand representation. And I don’t mean techno tracks with F1 engine samples, bought solely by mulleted Germans who own David Hasselhoff’s entire back catalogue.

No, the F1 charity record will be something else altogether: First the cause (adopt a Bono/Bob Geldof voice for the following paragraph):

Did you know that a front-running Formula 1 team unveils a new motorhome every two months? Yet while BMW can afford to run their car for public amusement and Red Bull can build a mobile disco, remember the poor Spykers of the world, left behind in the middle of a million name changes.

Ladies and gentleman we need your money to help buy Spyker a new motorhome. With your generous donations Christian Albers’ sponsors will be able to dine in the same luxury as McLaren’s ‘corporate partners’.

Next, the song. Well that’s easy: a rewrite of Band Aid’s Do They Know Its Christmas, set to the backing of a Renault F1 engine tuned to play the main melody, with Eddie Jordan on drums and Damon Hill on guitar.

Lead vocals will be provided by the charismatic Kimi ‘Dolphin Dancer’ Raikkonen, but all current F1 drivers will get a line each, as will Michael Schumacher because apparently he’s a demon on Das Karaoke.

Backing vocals will be provided by the paddock’s very own Destiny’s Child: Ron Dennis, Jean Todt and Flavio Briatore. The B-side can feature a medley of James Allen’s greatest moments (this being an effort to beat Napalm Death’s record of the shortest ever recorded song).

The lyrics will go something like this:

It’s testing time
There’s no need to clear pit lane
At testing time, we go to fight with traction aids
In our paddock of plenty we can try a new ploy

Throw your car into the tyres at testing time

But change a gear

Change it for the other turn
At practice its hard when you’ve got run
Theres a track outside your garage
And it’s a track of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is Flavio’s celebratory tears
And the yellow flags that show there
Cover the hanging cloud of dust
Today thank God it’s Massa instead of you

And there won’t be rain in Jerez this Christmas time
The greatest race they’ll get this year is bikes
(Oooh) Where nothing ever flows
Except when Sato’s engine blows
Do they know its testing time at all?

(Here’s to you) overtake for everyone
(Here’s to them) it helps if you’re a champion’s son
Do they know its testing time at all?

Race at Spa, Race at Spa, Race at Spa
Do they know its testing time?

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