New year’s resolutions for F1 drivers

Posted on | Author Keith Collantine

Lewis Hamilton, McLaren-Mercedes, Silverstone, 2007, 6 | DaimlerHaving made my usual new year’s resolutions (about drinking less coffee and spending less time on writing F1 Fanatic) I dreamt up a few resolutions I’d like F1 drivers and other figures to take.

Here are 20 resolutions I thought up – suggest some of your own in the comments box below…

Lewis Hamilton – I will learn to drive conservatively in championship-deciding races.

Kimi Raikkonen – I will stop acting like a bored teenager during interviews.

Fernando Alonso – I will explain my version of the events at last year’s Hungarian Grand Prix.

Max Mosley – I will not take cheap shots at three-times world champions.

Bernie Ecclestone – I will hand over the running of Formula One Management to someone who understands new media (and bring F1 back to America).

Jenson Button & Nick Heidfeld – I will purchase and use a razor.

Tadashi Yamashina – I will pack up my joke of a team and buy Williams instead.

Ron Dennis – I will learn the value of transparency and good public relations.

Sebastien Bourdais – I will not let my new F1 drive stop me from competing in the Le Mans 24 Hours.

Vijay Mallya – I will not allow Force India / Spyker / MidlandF1 / Jordan to be sold yet again.

All F1 drivers – I will complete a season without using the phrase ‘for sure’.

Mario Theissen & Burkhard Goeschel (BMW) – I will stop arguing in favour of stability control and realise it has no place in Formula 1.

Flavio Briatore – I will not throw stones from the confines of my glass house.

Frank Williams & Colin Kolles – I will drop my opposition to customer teams.

Hermann Tilke – I will urge the FIA to relax the tight restrictions on F1 circuit design.

Juan Pablo Montoya, Williams, 2004 | BMW MediaJuan Pablo Montoya – I will stop messing about in NASCAR and return to F1.

Steve Rider & James Allen – I will realise there are 21 F1 drivers who aren’t Lewis Hamilton.

Felipe Massa – I will learn that a red light means stop.

Luca di Montezemolo – I will stop whingeing about ‘spygate’.

Michael Schumacher – I will announce my return to Formula 1 with Ferrari as Kimi Raikkonen’s team mate in 2009.

40 comments on “New year’s resolutions for F1 drivers”

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  1. Nico – can I please be the one to explain to Fernando Alonso how much of a hypocrite he’s been, and maybe give him a good punch to the head?

  2. Stefano Stridi
    2nd January 2008, 22:11

    Do you like this one?
    Mark Webber: I won’t eat any fish cooked by David Coulthard (Japanese Garand Prix 2007…)!

  3. I really don’t want to race – Michael S.
    I really don’t want to race – Michael S.
    I really don’t want to race – Michael S.
    I really don’t want to race – Michael S.

  4. Dear Nico,

    May you explain me that about Alonso?
    Talk about hypocrisy may be an interesting theme. I would like to add some names under that epigraph.

  5. official F1 broadcasting signal: i will not focus Anthony Hamilton more time than Takuma Sato, or Vettel, or Trulli, or…

  6. openwheelfan
    3rd January 2008, 1:05

    Alonso–I will not foward my e-mail to Bernie E
    Vettes– I will not try to grow any facial hair.
    Coulthard– I will win a race
    Kimi– I will smile more than once in 08.

    All in all very good but one more

    Max–I will leave F1 and move on to try to destroy the IRL.

  7. I prefer more realistic and attainable new year resolutions:

    Max – I will extend the FIA’s powers to include the EU. And next year, world domination!

    Bernie – I will rescind my contract with Stevenage Local Council and find myself a decent hairdresser.

    Hamilton – I will not move to Switzerland; I will buy it instead.

    Alonso – I will try not to add to my collection of mirrors.

    Kimi – Mumble.

    Ralf – I will not race in F1 in 2008. This is my decision. I have decided. No, really, don’t try to persuade me otherwise.

    Big Ron – I will explain things in clear and simple terms without circumlocution and subsidiary clauses, bearing in mind the inability of the press to follow sentences containing more than five words and in view of the prevailing atmosphere in F1 at the moment, thereby giving the impression that I’m just a simple bloke like all the others and really don’t deserve what they say about me on that internet thingy and I’m really sorry for what might have happened even though it didn’t as far as I know and can we have our ball back, mister?

    Nelsinho – I will let Fernando win. Well, for the first half of the season, anyway. Ummm, maybe for the first three races. But I will outqualify him after two races. Or maybe one. Oh, what the heck, I’ll take every chance I get.

    Heikki – I will try to be a good little Finn and not smile so much.

    Mario Theissen – I will find three more very quick young Germans to use as test drivers. And BMW will win a GP. And next year, world domination!

    Franz Tost – I will help Vijay Mallya with his driver selection problem.

    Vijay Mallya – I will take no advice from Franz Tost.

  8. Good ones both Keith and Clive.
    How about
    Max: I will admit to my messianic complex and finally check myself into a very good clinic in Zurich.
    Bernie: I am actually Rodney Bingenheimer’s mad twin brother locked in mum’s attic for my first 15 years of life and will check myself into a room adjoining Max’s.
    Hamilton: I will endeavor not to let my head explode under the flux of pressure emanating from my ying cult status and yang antichrist status imposed upon me by my adoring/abhorring public.
    Alonso:I will keep my mouth shut and my foot firmly planted and put paid to the rumours that anyone who doesn’t actually know me knows me.
    Kimi: I will not allow myself to be changed one bit by any of the nonsense that surrounds me.
    Ralf:I will enjoy my ill gotten booty and start sewing new pirate costumes for my fantasy self.
    Flavio: I will never, ever appear again in public in thong speedos. Ever. He promises. We hope.
    Ron: I will step in as Sir Jackie’s interim co-head of the FIA during it’s ground up reconstruction.
    Robert Kubica: I will shave every other day because I am kind of sexy with a days growth-unlike those other two weeny boys.

  9. Some resolutions that perhaps should’ve been made at the start of last year

    Scott Speed : I will not turn my back on Franz Tost

    Paul Stoddart : I will start saying what I really think

    Christjian Albers : I will not drive off from pitstop with refueling rig still attached

    Lewis Hamilton : I will pit when the rear tyre is bald

    Adrian Newey : I will find a new gearbox supplier

    Anthony Davidson : I will not run over Groundhogs or other assorted wildlife

  10. openwheelfan
    3rd January 2008, 4:06

    Clive you are dead on LOL

  11. Kovalainen: In order to be many years driving for Mclaren, I will never qualify better than Lewis, I will never overtake Lewis, I will never finish a race in front of Lewis, I will never ask for extra lap in Qualifiyng session, I’ll tolerate Ron talking about me as a rival, I’ll tolerate Anthony Hamilton bringing FIA investigations against me. If accidentally finish a race in front of Lewis I will tolerate all Hamilton’s whining.

    Summarizing,in order to not be defame in media, I will be a good boy, fast but no more than Hamilton, and i will worship Hamilton

  12. FIA – We will release Michael Schumachers career in F1 as a boxset, to give the fans a glimpse of a racing legend, for a reasonable price

  13. F1 Racing Magazine – We will get better in 2008 , we will put Lewis 12 times on the cover and devote at least 50% of pages in each issue to him !

    Lewis Hamilton – I promise I will authorize all my 65 biographies that will be published in 2008 !

  14. NO! Please – if F1 Racing does that, I would probably have to cancel my subscription. I still don’t understand why Lewis has to be on five issue covers in succession. There are other things going on in F1 besides him, the editors should note…

  15. AmericanTifosi
    4th January 2008, 2:22

    Yes, I’ve written two nasty letters to F1 Racing about the Lewis obsession. I suggested they change their name to “Lewis Hamilton Monthly”

    Kimi: I will start answering all the press conference questions in another language and see if anyone notices.

    Toyota: We will replace both out F1 cars with Camerys and see if they’re faster.

  16. AmericanTifosi
    4th January 2008, 2:25

    Felipe: I will stop drinking so much coffee and will act much calmer when people hit me. (Fernando, Europe of this year)

  17. frecon, what you say is indeed quite funny and ironically just reflects on how much pride Heikki will have to swallow just to remain in team Hamilton, am sorry, i meant McLaren.

    Quote: AmericanTifosi Says:

    “Yes, I’ve written two nasty letters to F1 Racing about the Lewis obsession. I suggested they change their name to “Lewis Hamilton Monthly””

    I agree, their name should be changed to “Lewis Hamilton Monthly”. I wrote 3 letter myself in fairly colourful and kind language! About how their obsession with Hamilton and their bias towards McLaren during the spygate issue was just irritating readers across the world.

    Even now the @$$#*!&$ have not commented on McLaren apology letter issued or the FIA document which contained information on what all parts McLaren were developing using acquired Ferrari knowledge.

    Jeremy Clarkson did sum the situation up nicely in TG, in an episode in season 10, when he said that “McLaren are bringing out a new supercar” and then he shows the picture of Scuderia F430. NICE :D

  18. F1 Racing’s Lewis/McLaren bias is no surprise – Lewis is what sells right now, and F1 Racing exists to make money. I have to agree though, 5 months of constant Lewis is starting to grate, especially when it was RAIKKONEN who won the title.

  19. Sri, the January 2008 edition of F1 Racing does have quite a bit of comment on McLaren’s “apology” – unfortunately they are still completely obsessed with Hamilton and don’t apply their usual analytical skills to it. They’re more bothered, for instance, about how Hamilton will be affected by the FIA restrictions that McLaren accepted as part of the peace deal than about the fact that the McLaren apology was written in a way that didn’t require McLaren to admit much of anything.

  20. Hi Alianora La Canta!

    Well, we are still to get our issues in this region mate. So, i guess i do not really know what to say on that.

    For most part of it, when you say that “they’re more bothered, for instance, about how Hamilton will be affected by the FIA restrictions that McLaren accepted as part of the peace deal than about the fact that the McLaren apology was written in a way that didn’t require McLaren to admit much of anything.”

    I truly do believe that they really should get their act together. It is all very cute, that they have found hope again. Yes, no doubt that Hamilton is good, but, is he good enough to not screw-up again? We are yet to find out. Plus, when FIA set out changing rules to destabilise Ferrari and Michael, where was the Fair-play Brigade. I think it is unfair when rules are changed to specifically target the winning team.

    McLaren messed up. Big time. No doubt many will find me overly critical of McLaren. The truth is, this is the way any guilty party is to be treated. Not any kindly cos me or anyone else likes them. F1Racing is covering up for them. Why? It is all i ask.

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