F1 Fanatic

So, while I was bored today, I got on YouTube and started watching some of the videos from the 1982 season review, where Clive James delivered some delightfully-deadpan comments about the on-track antics that season. And it got me thinking: if James was approached to narrate the 2010 season review, what would he have to say during the commentary?

This is really just a chance to come up with some James-esque comments of your own:

Vettel and Webber come together in Istanbul

When the dust had finally settled, one question was on everyone’s lips: what has Sebastian Vettel been thinking? Rumours and theories lit up the blogosphere, but it was eventually agreed that Vettel hadn’t been thinking at all.

Webber does a backflip over Kovalainen

Webber, with thoughts of retirement on his mind for 2011, was considering a move from Formula 1 to the Olympics, and so took the opportunity to display his athletic prowess for the high jump with a little help from Heikki Kovalainen.

The start at Suzuka

Nico Hulkenberg was so confident of winning the race, that he decided to let everyone else have a head start. He was, however, playing Russian roulette with the rest of the grid in the most literal sense, losing when he was hit by a runaway Russian Renault. Meanwhile at Ferrari, Felipe Massa decided that the best way to impress the Italians was to take one of them out at the first corner.

Red Bull swap Vettel and Webber’s front wings

The decision started on Friday, when Mark Webber dropped his ice cream cone in the Silverstone paddock, and Christian Horner gave him Sebastian Vettel’s. Thus, when Sebastian Vettel dropped his front wing on Saturday, it was decided that it was only fair to give him Mark Webber’s.

Go nuts.

Is it scary all of those came over my internal monologue in in James’ distinctive tones.
Good stuff PM!

Massa celebrates one year on from his accident

Reflecting on his survival from his horror accident at the Hungaroring exactly one year earlier, Felipe Massa realised that being alive is the most important thing and to demonstrate this gave up his win to his team-mate.

Hamilton’s strike back at critics backfires in Singapore

After receiving much criticism for running into Massa at the Italian Grand Prix, Hamilton attempted to demonstrate just how easy it is to break your front suspension when overtaking Mark Webber, but all he ended up doing was demonstrating how to break his own rear suspension

Button disproves “only good at preserving tyres” criticism in Korea

Jenson Button had enough of being accused of only being good at saving his tyres and so decided to show he was quite capable of wrecking them instead

“Reflecting on his survival from his horror accident at the Hungaroring exactly one year earlier, Felipe Massa realised that being alive is the most important thing and to demonstrate this gave up his win to his team-mate.”

Hahahaha! That one was fantastic.

I wish James would come back and do some more commentary, alas, I remember that in 2002 he “gave up” on F1 after the Schumacher/Barrichello debacle at the Austrian GP. He wrote a column in a UK paper announcing the end of his following F1.

An obvious one from yesterday:

Kimi comeback rumours grow

After Nico Rosberg questioned Webber’s driving in the Korean Grand Prix, some speculated that Webber was paving a smooth transition back into F1 for 2007 champion Kimi Raikkonen by leaving him a muddy, crashed Red Bull

Kubica’s wheel comes free in Japan

The start line accident and resulting safety car meant that everyone got to see the rear wings of the Red Bulls for slightly longer than they would normally before Vettel and Webber disappeared into the distance. Robert Kubica’s wheel, clearly not content with this, decided to voice its disappoval by coming free, unaware that Kubica and his other three wheels were depending on it to stay in place.

Kobayashi crashes out in Singapore

In Kobayashi’s defence, the apex to turn 18 is blind … but then, so is Kamui Kobayahsi.

Sauber and Hispania unveil their cars for the season

Sauber unveilied a racing car cleverly disguised as a shopping trolley. Hispania unveiled a shopping trolley cleverly disguised as a racing car.

Schumacher and Barrichello clash in Hungary

At first glance, it appeared that Michael Schumacher had attempted to force Rubens Barrichello into the pit wall. A deeper examination revealed that it was nothing more sinister than Schumacher attempting to force Barrichello into the pit wall, proving that while three years of retirement might have dampened his driving skills, at least Schumacher’s character was still consistent.

Schumacher swaps numbers with Rosberg

At Mercedes, the mind games began with Schumacher attempting to out-psych Rosberg into giving up his racing number. In the sweltering mass of politics and rumours that followed, it went unrecorded that this was the real reason behind Michael’s return to the sport – Mrs. Schumacher had grown tired of him attempting to out-psych her into letting him do the dishes every night.

Bahrain uses the extended layout

Bahrain celebrated sixty years of Formula 1 by running the race on a longer circuit. Exactly how slowing the cars down was meant to celebrate sixty years of men going faster and faster was lost on everyone in the paddock, with the only explanation being “Bernie Ecclestone told us to”.

Parenting Red Bull Style

No one can deny Sebastian Vettel’s had some rotten luck this year, but mogul Dietrich Mateschitz spares no expense for his prize steed hiring him a Helmut Marko of his very own for hugs, blankets and hot cups of cocoa on demand.

So that’s where Schumacher is.