Here’s an expanded version of something I wrote for a Dutch forum where some crazy Massa/Webber conspiracies were going on. Nothing too serious, but since this thread is a little cheeky anyways, I’ll have a go.
Domination once more from Vettel. Hamilton looks close as in Austin, with Fernando closing in, but suffering a rare rear wing failure in FP2 means he misses out on the first wet running. Most teams express their concerns over the 2013 Pirelli tires and Paul Hembery is spotted crying in a FOM motorhome.
All goes according to plan. The 3 bottom teams and Vernge drop out in Q1 and we’re left with both Red Bulls, both Ferraris, both McLarens, both Mercedes, Hulkenberg and Maldonado in the top 10. Order:
Weather: rain. Twittersphere: still trying to comprehend Alonso’s pre-race tweet. As the first corner approaches it becomes clear Webber simply can’t start properly once more, with him and Massa losing out to Alonso immediately. Hamilton, knowing this is his last GP for McLaren and about the new tarmac runoff in T1, decides to go all in and eliminates Vettel’s rear wing, but is able to continue. Due to Vettel’s stranded car, Hamilton manages to make a nice gap to Alonso, but the rest of the field is dropped even further behind as they avoid a furious Vettel on his way to the pit.
Chaos ensues, with Button dropping out of P3 with an ironic alternator failure, and much more in 40 laps of pure madness. Even though Vettel’s stop took an eternity, due to the failings of others, many crashes and obvious moves by both Torro Rosso driver and an inane pitstop for Mark Webber (‘Mark, we have reasons to believe your left mirror is unsafe. Box this lap.’) Sebastian is now in p8.
Suddenly, 3rd placed Massa is taken out by Karthikeyan in the same manner Rosberg collided with him just 2 races ago. Debris is everywhere, safety car is out. With no signs of improving weather, everyone stops and leaves the top 10 unchanged. Hamilton is still leading Alonso, Schumacher is in p7, in front of Vettel.
We spend an astonishing 12 laps behind the safety car, leaving us with only 18 laps left, for either Alonso to overtake Hamilton and make Vettel’s life miserable, or for Vettel to overtake Schumacher and make Alonso’s life miserable. As the fiels is released, everyone is in awe as Schumacher waves Vettel past, proclaiming on the televised radio message: “I don’t mind letting him past.” leaving him the technical world Champion.
However, it is unlikely for him to improve any further. The rain has turned quite heavy and in front of him are a few determined drivers.
With 11 laps to go:
7. VET (WDC)
Hamilton is flying today, but so is Alonso. Within a few laps of leaving the safety car behind, they’ve ran an impressive 20 seconds from Perez. In the closing laps, all appears lost of Fernando. Suddenly, Hamilton slows down on the final lap. Could it be? Alonso doesn’t think twice and passes him. Hamilton had a minor loss of traction in T1 and lost 3 seconds in the first sector, enough for Alonso to grab victory and the championship! Hamilton then, sarcastically, says: “Well, bugger. I like Fernando better than Seb anyway.”
Christian Horner is furious! Within seconds he blazes over to the McLaren pitwall, demanding an explanation. Whitmarsh does not know what to say and Horner strikes him, leaving poor Martin with a black eye. Horner grabs a SKY camera and shouts: ‘THIS IS ALL MAGNETI MARELLI’S FAULT!’, before he goes on and smashes a Red Bull pitwall monitor.
The ghost of Ayrton Senna appears to proclaim the right one has one, since Alonso is the chosen one. Ayrton, recognizing his nephew as having finished 11th, proceeds to beam him 10% of Ayrton’s talent. That’ll do the trick for 2013.
Mark Webber, absolutely shattered by the inane team order, flies home and checks into a mental facility. He vacates his seat for 2013 and is oft heard saying ‘the mirror is a lie, the mirror is a lie!’.
Thus the 2012 season draws to a close. Fernando grows a massive beard and states 2016 will be his final season, since he will become a novelist as of 2017.
(Mind you, this was a parody reply to a conspiracy post. I do not with ill upon Webber, nor do I think the last race will be any percentage of ‘rigged’ as the race described in my posts is.)