What would Clive James have to say about 2010?

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    Prisoner Monkeys

    So, while I was bored today, I got on YouTube and started watching some of the videos from the 1982 season review, where Clive James delivered some delightfully-deadpan comments about the on-track antics that season. And it got me thinking: if James was approached to narrate the 2010 season review, what would he have to say during the commentary?

    This is really just a chance to come up with some James-esque comments of your own:

    Vettel and Webber come together in Istanbul

    When the dust had finally settled, one question was on everyone’s lips: what has Sebastian Vettel been thinking? Rumours and theories lit up the blogosphere, but it was eventually agreed that Vettel hadn’t been thinking at all.

    Webber does a backflip over Kovalainen

    Webber, with thoughts of retirement on his mind for 2011, was considering a move from Formula 1 to the Olympics, and so took the opportunity to display his athletic prowess for the high jump with a little help from Heikki Kovalainen.

    The start at Suzuka

    Nico Hulkenberg was so confident of winning the race, that he decided to let everyone else have a head start. He was, however, playing Russian roulette with the rest of the grid in the most literal sense, losing when he was hit by a runaway Russian Renault. Meanwhile at Ferrari, Felipe Massa decided that the best way to impress the Italians was to take one of them out at the first corner.

    Red Bull swap Vettel and Webber’s front wings

    The decision started on Friday, when Mark Webber dropped his ice cream cone in the Silverstone paddock, and Christian Horner gave him Sebastian Vettel’s. Thus, when Sebastian Vettel dropped his front wing on Saturday, it was decided that it was only fair to give him Mark Webber’s.

    Go nuts.


    Fer no.65

    hahaha…! the front wing one made me laugh!

    who’s Clive James BTW?



    Is it scary all of those came over my internal monologue in in James’ distinctive tones.

    Good stuff PM!


    Prisoner Monkeys

    who’s Clive James BTW?

    He’s a commentator who narrated the 1982, 1984 and 1986 season reviews, and he has this very dry, deadpan style of delivery. Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJ0Hq_WIRAQ

    Is it scary all of those came over my internal monologue in in James’ distinctive tones.

    That’s the idea. Here’s some more for you:

    Adrian Sutil is in the wars in Korea

    Adrian Sutil made his case for moving to a bigger team in 2011 with a display of his overtaking skill. Rather than pass someone and spend ten laps chasing down the next driver, he cleverly hit upon the idea of passing a Sauber, letting it back through when the cameras weren’t watching, and then doing it all over again the next lap.

    Kovalainen has to extinguish his own fire in Singapore

    It was in Singapore that the Formula 1 circuit found out just how Lotus had managed to extract speed from their car. Rather than pay for pesky insurance expenditures like fire coverage, the team had siphoned all their money into going faster. Unfortuantely, when Kovalainen’s car struck a light, the Finn was forced to negotiate with the stewards for several moments over the price of a fire extinguisher.

    Chaos at the Bus Stop on lap one in Belgium

    When the cars aproached the Bus Stop for the first time, the drivers displayed an unusual show of agreement with everyone deciding that the best thing to do was to fall off the circuit. While the front-runners might be excused because of the slippery conditions, it stopped being funny when the tenth car slid off. And then it started being funny again when the twentieth car followed them off.



    Massa celebrates one year on from his accident

    Reflecting on his survival from his horror accident at the Hungaroring exactly one year earlier, Felipe Massa realised that being alive is the most important thing and to demonstrate this gave up his win to his team-mate.

    Hamilton’s strike back at critics backfires in Singapore

    After receiving much criticism for running into Massa at the Italian Grand Prix, Hamilton attempted to demonstrate just how easy it is to break your front suspension when overtaking Mark Webber, but all he ended up doing was demonstrating how to break his own rear suspension

    Button disproves “only good at preserving tyres” criticism in Korea

    Jenson Button had enough of being accused of only being good at saving his tyres and so decided to show he was quite capable of wrecking them instead


    Prisoner Monkeys

    Kobayashi misses scruitineering in Hungary

    Kamui Kobayashi obviously felt that starting in eighteenth place was not enough of a challenge, and so decided to give himself a five-place grid penalty by ignoring the scrutineers.

    Liuzzi crashes out in China

    Tonio Liuzzi initially impressed the judges with reverse pirouette with half turn, but marks had to be deducted for a sloppy landing that saw the Force India treat Kamui Kobayashi’s Sauber as less of a rival competitior and more of a crash mat.



    “Reflecting on his survival from his horror accident at the Hungaroring exactly one year earlier, Felipe Massa realised that being alive is the most important thing and to demonstrate this gave up his win to his team-mate.”

    Hahahaha! That one was fantastic.

    I wish James would come back and do some more commentary, alas, I remember that in 2002 he “gave up” on F1 after the Schumacher/Barrichello debacle at the Austrian GP. He wrote a column in a UK paper announcing the end of his following F1.


    Keith Collantine

    Best. Thread. Ever.

    Keep it coming, guys.



    An obvious one from yesterday:

    Kimi comeback rumours grow

    After Nico Rosberg questioned Webber’s driving in the Korean Grand Prix, some speculated that Webber was paving a smooth transition back into F1 for 2007 champion Kimi Raikkonen by leaving him a muddy, crashed Red Bull



    lmao, absolutely brilliant guys


    Prisoner Monkeys

    Kubica’s wheel comes free in Japan

    The start line accident and resulting safety car meant that everyone got to see the rear wings of the Red Bulls for slightly longer than they would normally before Vettel and Webber disappeared into the distance. Robert Kubica’s wheel, clearly not content with this, decided to voice its disappoval by coming free, unaware that Kubica and his other three wheels were depending on it to stay in place.

    Kobayashi crashes out in Singapore

    In Kobayashi’s defence, the apex to turn 18 is blind … but then, so is Kamui Kobayahsi.

    Sauber and Hispania unveil their cars for the season

    Sauber unveilied a racing car cleverly disguised as a shopping trolley. Hispania unveiled a shopping trolley cleverly disguised as a racing car.

    Schumacher and Barrichello clash in Hungary

    At first glance, it appeared that Michael Schumacher had attempted to force Rubens Barrichello into the pit wall. A deeper examination revealed that it was nothing more sinister than Schumacher attempting to force Barrichello into the pit wall, proving that while three years of retirement might have dampened his driving skills, at least Schumacher’s character was still consistent.

    Schumacher swaps numbers with Rosberg

    At Mercedes, the mind games began with Schumacher attempting to out-psych Rosberg into giving up his racing number. In the sweltering mass of politics and rumours that followed, it went unrecorded that this was the real reason behind Michael’s return to the sport – Mrs. Schumacher had grown tired of him attempting to out-psych her into letting him do the dishes every night.

    Bahrain uses the extended layout

    Bahrain celebrated sixty years of Formula 1 by running the race on a longer circuit. Exactly how slowing the cars down was meant to celebrate sixty years of men going faster and faster was lost on everyone in the paddock, with the only explanation being “Bernie Ecclestone told us to”.



    Red Bull flexi-wings controversy

    In a brazen attempt at eking out more advertising time for their parent company, Red Bull created a new kind of wing that flexes up and down, much like the wings their cartoon characters grow when they drink their namesake liquid. McLaren in particular were livid at this blatant reference and considered adding moving legs to their cars to reference the drink they’re sponsored by. The idea seemed to have been rejected on the ground that it would actually make the car go faster, going against McLaren policy established at the British Grand Prix two weeks ago.

    Buemi suffers suspension failure in China

    After having a tough start to the season in a team going nowhere fast since the beginning of last year, Sebastien Buemi’s front wheels decided to protest the teams’ poor performances by going anywhere but Toro Rosso, very fast

    Ferrari outraged by McLaren F-Duct

    When it emerged McLaren had a new aerodynamic system, a duct that blew air onto a flap to stall the rear wing, Ferrari protested that only they had the licence on ducts flapping about at the rear of their car and had done so ever since the 2008 Singapore Grand Prix



    Parenting Red Bull Style

    No one can deny Sebastian Vettel’s had some rotten luck this year, but mogul Dietrich Mateschitz spares no expense for his prize steed hiring him a Helmut Marko of his very own for hugs, blankets and hot cups of cocoa on demand.



    Webber shows title credentials in Korea

    Championship leader Mark Webber knew his race was over, but attempted to show he was still world champion material by wrecking his Red Bull in the mud to a degree even former champion Kimi Raikkonen couldn’t have managed. To further make his case, he hit one of his competitors, a move former champions Michael Schumacher and Aytron Senna, watching from heaven, would have approved of.



    So that’s where Schumacher is.

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